


I Couldn't Feel, So I Tried to Touch

by issiefrancis



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Mentions of conversion therapy, Panic Attacks, it's been so long since i've written, trump themed because i started writing this after the election lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10075667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/issiefrancis/pseuds/issiefrancis
Summary: Holtzmann has a panic attack and Erin is there to help her through it.





	1. I Can't Change

"Guys, check this out." Patty holds out her tablet. "It's disgusting." Erin and Abby bend their heads over the tablet and scan the article. It's by a conversion therapy survivor; it's about Trump. Erin pulls away fast.

"I wish we could change it," Abby sighs.

Holtzmann hops down the stairs at this point, and Patty beckons her over. "Holtz, look at this." Holtzmann obligingly takes the tablet and scans the article. Her mouth opens a little and she begins reading in earnest. Patty nods when she gasps. "It's horrible, right?"

Holtzmann swallows and hands the tablet back. "I have work to do," she says robotically and then she's gone, back up the stairs.

"That was weird," Abby says, shrugging. Erin agrees and then sits down at her desk to begin working through some of the paperwork Jennifer has sent them.

***

Holtzmann feels sick to her stomach. She can't stop thinking about the article; certain lines playing in her mind on repeat.

When Erin comes up to ask her something, she has to focus all her attention on seeming normal; she doesn't want the others to know how much it affected her. Erin buys it. Holtzmann's used to hiding things, after all, and Erin doesn't know her the way Abby does.

Maybe she's just sick. That would explain it. She has to rush to the bathroom twice with an upset stomach. She firmly shoves away all thoughts about the article and conversion therapy and Trump, because every time she thinks about it she can't breathe.

"'Night, Holtz!" Patty calls out as she climbs the stairs to their rooms. Erin and Abby follow less than half an hour later, and then Holtzmann's alone. It's too much for her, feels like being in solitary confinement, her skin is itching with loneliness.

Eventually she works herself enough to get to bed, but that doesn't make her feel any better. She shivers under the covers, alternately hot and cold, unable to stop the images of queer youth getting thumped with Bibles, getting dragged away against their will-

She forces herself to think about something else for a moment's respite, gulping down air. Her breathing gets shallower and shallower until she's gasping for breath, feeling like she's going to pass out. Her hands are shaking and she feels nausea roll over her. She doesn't know what's happening, but it's not good.

When it feels like she might actually vomit, she wobbles her way to the bathroom, the harsh light stinging her eyes. She retches over the sink, but nothing comes up. Her eyes are running with hot tears and she can hardly breathe and she just wants it all to go away. She sobs, once, softly she thinks.

"Are you okay?" There's a light knock on the door. It's Erin.

"Peachy," Holtz tries to say, but instead she chokes again. She tries again, but she can't say anything.

"I'm coming in. Don't be naked, please," Erin warns her, and Holtz tries to shout _no_ , but nothing's cooperating. The door swinging open is distant and she suddenly loses her grip on the bench and slides to the ground. Strong arms catch her and help her stay upright.

"Are you sick?"

Holtzmann tries to shrug, is hit with another wave of nausea, and turns towards the sink. She retches and nothing comes up again. She leans against the mirror, hiding her face from Erin. She doesn't want anyone to see her like this, let alone Erin.

"Can't breathe," she manages to whisper.

"Panic attack?" Erin muses, patting her back. "Can you take some deep breaths for me, Holtzy? One, two, three, four," she says clearly. "Look at me. Focus on me. That's good."

Holtzmann's chest is still heaving, but she doesn't feel like she's going to faint any more. Erin nods encouragingly.

"That's the spirit. One more deep breath? That's good, Holtzy."

Holtzmann collapses against Erin, burying her face in her shoulder, desperate for something solid to hold onto. Erin squeezes her gently. "Oh, Holtzy," she says with the utmost sympathy. "It's not fun, huh?"

Holtz shakes her head pitifully.

"Shall we get you back to bed?" Erin traces a line on her cheek with a gentle finger.

Holtz shakes her head furiously. It's just going to happen again if she has to sit in that dark room all alone again. "Gonna-" her voice rasps and she winces. "Invent. In the lab. I'm fine I'm okay don't worry-" she chokes and starts crying again, ashamed of her weakness.

"Hey, don't freak out, I'm not gonna make you do anything," Erin says. "You need to get some sleep, Holtz." 

"Can't go back to my room," Holtzmann says, trembling. She doesn't want to seem weak in front of Erin, but the thought of being alone again makes her want to scream.

"I won't make you," Erin reassures her, rocking until she calms down again. "Sleep in my room?"

Holtzmann pauses. She doesn't want to annoy Erin. Erin raises an eyebrow, and then Holtz nods, lifting a hand to wipe away the tears.  

Erin takes a washcloth and dabs it over Holtzmann's face to rinse away the sweat and tears and snot. It's soothing. Holtzmann closes her eyes, relaxing under the pressure.

After she's done, Erin presses a gentle kiss to Holtz's forehead. Holtz's eyes open in shock before Erin turns away and leads the way to her bedroom.

She's uncertain, hovering in the doorway of Erin's room. Erin beckons her over to the bed with a kind smile, gesturing for her to shut the door.

"I don't know what you feel like, but I can sit up with you if you want, or we can both sleep, or we can cuddle." Erin's eyes are wide and serious, not a hint of mocking in them.

Holtzmann hesitates for a few seconds before cautiously climbing into bed and cuddling up against Erin. Erin automatically tucks an arm under Holtz's head, and they end up spooning. Holtz feels oddly floaty and sort of unreal.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Holtz. I have panic attacks all the time."

Holtzmann half shrugs. She knows that. But still it feels wrong. She's not a weak person. Neither is Erin. But it's different.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The cautiousness of the question stalls her. She doesn't have to answer. Erin wouldn't be mad.

She wants to tell Erin how it was really nothing and she's probably just a bit sick, really, she's had a weird stomach all day, but instead, she breathes out, "Trump."

"The article Patty showed us?" Erin asks softly. Her hand begins rubbing Holtzmann's back.

Holtz nods, the thought bringing tears to her eyes.

"Oh, Holtzy," Erin says for a second time, pulling her into a tight hug. "I know it's horrible."

"I've been trying not to think about it, but I just- I couldn't stop. It was running around my mind."

"You're safe now."

Holtz rolls the words around in her mind, unsure whether she believes them or not.

"C'mon, let's try to get some sleep." Erin watches Holtzmann intently, like she's trying to read her mind.

Holtzmann squeezes her eyes shut. She doesn't want to bother Erin, she doesn't want Erin to be mad at her, but she's scared that Erin will fall asleep and leave her all alone. She clings a little more tightly as her heart thumps, and Erin lets out a little half-sigh, absent-mindedly stroking her hair.

It's quiet for a few moments, and then Erin rolls over. Holtzmann tries to follow, ending up with her arm over Erin's back. It's not comfortable, but it is contact.

"You're not going to sleep, are you?" Erin groans. She doesn't sound upset, but _they never do, do they_?

"I'm sorry, I'll be quiet…" Holtzmann pinches the bridge of her nose, feeling suddenly guilty about keeping Erin awake, sad that she's such a selfish person, confused – _why can't you just be normal, Holtz_? A few tears leak from the corners of her eyes.

Erin rolls over to face her again, looking alarmed at the tears. "No, Holtzy, I'm not mad. It's okay." She reaches over and rubs Holtz's upper arm tentatively. "Jeez, you're really not yourself, what is it?"

Erin's only trying to help, but something in Holtz snaps at the judgmental question. She knows that wasn't what Erin meant to get across, but it tumbles out of her mouth anyway. "I'm sorry that I can't be perfect all the time and I just had a panic attack and I'm not okay, alright? I'm sorry, I'll just-" She's not crying, she tells herself, ignoring the hot tears on her cheeks. She tries to stand up so she can leave Erin in peace, but her limbs aren't quite co-operating. She half-stumbles as she gets up and sits down on the bed, letting herself cry into her open palms.

"Shit," Erin says. "Okay." She reaches out automatically, then pulls back when Holtzmann shrinks away. They sit, frozen, for a moment. "I'm not mad, I'm just trying to understand. Please, Jill? Let me help you. I'm not trying to upset you. Please, let me help you, Jilly." Her voice breaks a little at the end.

It's the use of her first name that does it, that breaks her. "Sorry," Holtzmann whispers, feeling guilty and sick and too many things to think about.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. It's totally fine if you can't sleep. Everything you're feeling is valid and right," Erin says softly, holding Holtz's eyes with her own. "I'm serious. Nothing you do right now will make me leave you alone. Don't be scared."

Erin's caring words are making her teary again. She didn't even know she could cry this much.

"Do you want to talk about what set this off?" Erin waits patiently for Holtzmann to string some words together.

Holtz gives a slow nod in response, trying to figure out how to explain it to Erin. It's too hard to say, that _it's not just a story for me,_ and _it makes it too hard to forget_ and _I'm so scared_ , but somehow Erin figures it out. Her eyes flicker away from Holtzmann's for a second, putting together the jumpiness and the mood swings and the panic attack over an article that everyone else brushed off.

"You…?" she whispers. "Conversion therapy?"

Holtzmann half-shrugs, half-nods, unable to meet her eyes.

"Oh." Erin rubs a hand over her face. "I'm so sorry, Holtz." It's not enough but it's just enough.

They lie together for what seems like an age before Holtzmann gathers her words together, finally feeling a little calmer after sharing her secret. "Erin?" she whispers.

"Mmm?" Erin's voice is soft and sleepy, but not asleep.

"I really am sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your night like this."

"It's fine, Jilly, really. Do you want to listen to a meditation? It might help you get off to sleep. Or at least give you something to focus on." Erin is nothing but concerned and there's nothing but love in her eyes, and it hurts. Holtzmann nods against the crook of her arm.

Erin kisses her cheek. "Give me a second, okay?"


	2. You Needed Proof

They lie in silence for a few minutes as Erin pulls up a meditation and starts it. They're about two minutes in when Holtzmann rolls out of bed awkwardly.

"Gotta go to the bathroom," she explains quietly.

Then something flickers across her face and Erin sits up, all too aware of how difficult it is to face even basic tasks alone when she's anxious.

"You need company?"

Holtz nods mutely.

Erin slides out of bed and gently laces her fingers through Holtz's. "C'mon. I got you, honey."

Holtzmann squeezes her hand gratefully as they make their way down the hall to the bathroom.

Erin reaches in and switches on the light in the bathroom before Holtz goes inside. She smiles softly. "You don't need me for this part, right?" she checks, a half-smile on her lips. Holtz shakes her head and shuts the door.

Erin makes herself scarce – her stomach is always upset when she's anxious and she doesn't want Holtz to be embarrassed. She hasn't seen her friend eat anything since yesterday, so she slips down to the kitchen. She finds some plain crackers and an apple for Holtz.

Holtz is leaning on the bathroom doorframe, pale and shaking.

"Are you okay?" Erin puts an arm around her shoulders, scared that she's going to fall over right then and there.

"Just… not feeling so great," she responds breathily.

"Have you eaten today?" Erin admonishes her gently.

"I was sick all day-" She stops short, obviously embarrassed.

"My stomach always plays up when I'm anxious, too." Erin kisses her forehead lightly, still trying to get Holtz to realize that she gets it, she understands. "I do think you need some food though," she adds.

Holtzmann grimaces at that. "I really don't think that's a good idea."

"You look like you're about to faint!" Erin whispers. "Some plain crackers and apple won't upset your stomach anymore, I promise. Come on." She laces her fingers in Holtz's and leads her back to the bedroom. Holtzmann sits on the bed, staring at her feet, as Erin bustles and switches on a lamp and sits beside her.

She offers Holtz a cracker. Holtz takes it and puts it in her mouth, chewing slowly. She relaxes a little after a moment, and takes another one. Erin watches as she eats some apple too. Once she's finished her head drops to her chest and she just sits there robotically, staring at her twisting hands.

"Let's lie down," Erin says, gently guiding Holtzmann. Right now it seems like she's coming down, tired out from her over-emotional night. Erin rubs her back gently. "I'm here for you," she whispers.

"I just need to be held by someone who gets it," Holtz whispers back, looking away from Erin.

"I can do that." Erin pulls her friend against her, trying to provide a steady space in a world that's been too harsh.

***

Erin wakes up first, and is surprised that Holtzmann is still there. She's rolled away during the night, and is drooling on the other side of Erin's pillow. Erin smiles. At least she eventually slept. Erin had been worried that they'd be up all night before she calmed down.

Erin stretches out and clicks her back. Holtzmann opens her eyes.

"Morning," Erin says softly.

"Oh jeez-" Holtzmann yawns widely. "Morning."

"How are you feeling?" Erin asks, looking her friend up and down.

"I should go," Holtzmann says, not answering the question. She rubs the sleep from her eyes.

"What?" Erin blinks in shock.

"I was so stupid last night," Holtzmann says.

"Huh?" Erin rubs her eyes, confused.

"Last night-" Holtzmann kicks off the blankets and struggles out of bed. "You shouldn't have let me interrupt your night, I was fine." She crosses her arms across her chest, unwilling to meet Erin's eyes in the harsh light of day.

Erin groans, rubbing her eyes. "It's too early for drama, Holtzmann. You've helped me through enough, you know? I'm here for you." She hopes she's strung together enough words to get her point across, but it's early in the morning and she's not particularly coherent.

Holtzmann deflates a little. "I'm sorry. I just feel like I need to be strong."

"You are strong, Holtzy," Erin says quietly. "Come back to bed."

Holtzmann sighs, half-shrugging. "Thanks, Er. I think I need to be alone, though."

Erin's eyes soften. "Okay. I'm just through the wall if you need me," she reassures her.

"I know now," Holtz says, smiling. She waves and blows a kiss as she pads out the door.

***

"When I said… if you needed me… I meant… _oh shit_ -" Erin gasps as Holtzmann lays kisses on her pulse point.

"Say the word and I'll stop," Holtzmann smirks against her cheek.

"Fuck me," Erin responds, and Holtzmann does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave me a lovely comment guys <3

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry all my writing lately has been really random and half-finished OOC two-shots. Don't kick me out of the fandom please hahaha <3 Hope you enjoy regardless.


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